Why am I not perfect?
Someone recently asked me
“Why are you not enlightened yet, after all that training and teaching you’ve had?”
At first my ego was a little hurt but then with further thought, I replied
“Because I am human and as such, I am a work in progress”.
Yes, hands up I’m not perfect.
Sometimes I lose my temper, feel sad, suffer from low mood and lack motivation.
But sometimes I'm in love with life, full of energy and randomly dance because just like you, I am human.
Anyone that is adamant that they have it all worked out or is a self-professing “enlightened being” should be approached with slight scepticism. Personally I'd be asking myself what they are to afraid to show the world.
Without disrespect, no actually with disrespect, the wellbeing, coaching and self-development industry is full of happy clappy people that portray themselves as “higher beings”.
But behind closed doors they are just like me and you, sometimes great and at other times not so great.
So, let’s get real here.
Once a few years ago at the end of a Mindfulness session I was running, a young man that was struggling with depression said to me
“Anna, I just want to be like you.”
I should have been complimented but instead I felt a sense of dread.
So I replied
“No please don’t try to be like me, just be yourself because I also struggle at times”.
I never want anyone to think I am perfect or any better than them because I’m not.
What causes so much pain and suffering in this world is the fact that many of us believe everyone else is happier and living these amazing lives.
All we see around us are images of perfection.
The photoshoped bodies and serene yogis sitting on a sun drenched beach, making us think that our own life is somehow lacking or inadequate.
But here's a spoiler alert -
Most of us live quite ordinary lives, with occasional spurts of amazing experiences.
This is what what we must remember and also make peace with.
Knowing Your Own Darkness
I can’t count the times people have said to me
“but you are a Mindfulness Teacher, why do you still get angry?”
or demanded
“That shouldn’t bother you, aren’t you beyond that by now?”
I blame this view of Mindfulness practitioners on the flippant use of the term which gives the impression that we have somehow transcended ordinary life.
Too many people irresponsibly assigning themselves titles that they are not qualified to hold.
And I say irresponsible because when you are working with people going through difficult times, you are taking on a huge responsibility.
I work with some very vulnerable people, including running groups for people diagnosed with incurable cancer.
How could I possibly take on that sort of responsibility if don’t know how to be with people in their darkest moments, without trying to solve their problems or put a positive twist to it?
Training to teach Mindfulness is a long, challenging process that requires deep self-inquiry. There were certainly times when I wanted to give it all up.
As Mindfulness Teachers we commit to a lifelong daily practice, ongoing CPD, supervision and at least five days silent retreat every year.
I trained as a secondary school teacher decades ago and went on to complete a Masters, however none of that required such life long commitment or impacted my life to this degree.
So yes I take exception to people thinking they are teaching Mindfulness after reading a book or sitting for a few moments on a cushion smelling incense.
To be able to help others, if that is our intention and not merely to create wealth, we must be willing to face our own darkness.
And contrary to what many believe, we don’t ever get to perfection.
We are a life-long project.
Eventually though we may develop the wisdom to understand the profundity of these words from the great philosopher Socrates
“All I know is that I know nothing”.
You might be asking what good am I if I still struggle in life.
Perhaps Carl Jung can better answer this question.
“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness's of other people.
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
Portraying an image of perfection as a professional in the wellbeing, personal development or mental health industry is both harmful and dangerous.
Personally, I won’t do it and if that means I’m not raking in millions, so be it.
What is more important to me is that when people reach out to me they know I am just like them and that I too struggle.
You see there is one thing that is guaranteed in life and that is that life gives us now guarantees.
Whatsmore none of us will get through life without experiencing pain, disappointment, difficulty and trauma.
However it is not what we experience that matters as much as what we do with it.
We can choose to be swallowed up by our pain, become bitter and angry or we can take the lessons and use them for the greater good.
In her book “And still I rise, seeking justice for Stephen” Doreen Lawrence writes
“May you never experience what I have experienced.”
As a mother of three sons I cannot begin to imagine the pain and anger Doreen Lawrence lives with every day.
However she has continued to make her mark in this world, not because it’s easy but because it makes her suffering serve a purpose, which I am sure makes it just that little bit more bareable.
So let’s stop pretending that any of us has all the answers or that we are perfect masterpieces.
And let’s be responsible humans, for the sake of all those that believe that they are not quite right yet.
Before I leave you I’d like to share something I wrote a while back, which incidentally is no work of art and more than likely full of grammar errors.
But as someone that left school with no qualifications and is the humble product of uneducated immigrant parents, I’m good with my limitations.
She went to faraway places, she left behind all that was familiar, she left her place of comfort.
She explored, experimented but she couldn’t escape.
She searched for freedom through the eyes of others, she thought someone else might be holding the key.
She felt that empty space and thought it needed to be filled by another.
She dulled the pain by chasing the thrill.
She chased the next distraction in the form of a new person, a new place or a new gadget!
Like a drug that kept drawing her in, searching for the next high but never truly fulfilled. The Buddha said chasing our addictions only causes more suffering, but an addict doesn’t want to hear that.
Then one day the world shut down and the universe took over.
There was nowhere to go and nowhere to hide.
She was forced to stop and listen, to pay attention.
Right there is when she began the work that needed to be done.
As she sat in the stillness, the silence began to speak - “surrender” it pleaded with her.
And in that space of nothing, the words of her teachers came to her.
Those words that she tried so many times to push away because she knew that path was not an easy one to take.
But there was no escape, no running away this time.
So did the only thing she could.
She raised her hands in complete acceptance and shouted,
“I give up, I surrender!”
And in that moment came the freedom she had sought, finally, she let herself be free.
She realised that freedom can’t be found in the eyes of another, she was holding the key all along.
Now she knew it was time to stop chasing, and grasping at temporary pleasures because no amount of distraction was going to change the truth.
Then she became deeply grateful for all her teachers, especially those that came disguised as lovers or friends, for they taught her the greatest lessons of all.
Love begins with loving you.
And in the silence and surrender, she finally realised she was always home.
So here’s my sales pitch.
If you are looking for someone that is perfect, sorry as I explained above, that’s not me.
If however you are genuinely interested in personal transformation and learning how to live well in an unpredictable world, we might just be a good fit.
And if you are an organisation that wants genuine and practical strategies to improve staff wellbeing (without bells and whistles) I might be what you need.
It all starts with a conversation, so why not leave a message here or contact me at anna@annazannides.com to see how we might work together.