5 Lessons learned in difficult times

Written in 2020 at the start of the global pandemic.

I don’t think any of us could have predicted the events of the last year, it has challenged us all, a kind of collective suffering not seen for a long time. Personally, I have experienced all sorts of emotions, ranging from ecstatic to anger. This time last year I was getting ready to travel, I had a one-way ticket to Bali with no return date set. At times I felt totally lost, with no job and no plan!

However, I’m one of the lucky ones because I have family and friends that always have my back. When I was in the eye of my own storm, I had a sudden moment of clarity. I had been trying to find solutions, maybe I could go to a different country or find a way to earn some income? It got to the point where I just felt defeated, so I stood in my front room, raised my hands, and shouted, “I give up, I surrender!” And with that I gave up trying, I stopped looking for solutions and I melted into the moment. I truly let go of trying to change what I could not change, and I accepted the fact that my life was out of control, just as it was for everyone.

From that moment everything changed, I felt lighter and freer, I felt relieved that I didn’t need to find a solution, and everything was just as it should be. I’m not saying it was ideal or that I was denying the pain and suffering of others, just that I accepted the situation was out of my control.

These difficult times are opportunities to learn about ourselves. Here are the top five lessons we can learn from challenging times:

Lesson One: Value what you already have

I think the most important lesson for me has been to value what I already have, especially my amazing children who are my greatest accomplishment. Not being able to travel has been my blessing in disguise, in a sense it has grounded me and made me look closely at what is important to me. Perhaps that has been the whole point of this lesson, to ground us and make us reflect on our life so far

Lesson Two: Wanting things to be different

The Buddha taught that the cause of our suffering is wanting things to be different. This constant rejection of things not being as we want causes us unhappiness, chasing what we think will make us happy and trying to avoid the things we don’t want. When we rely on external events or external things to make us happy then our happiness is at their mercy. This year has been such an insight into this one lesson. The only way to live well is to be happy inside, but what does that mean?

Lesson Three: Happiness is an inside job

What does it mean to be happy? Well, I think many of us instinctively know as we grow older that the sense of inner stillness is the only real happiness. To be able to come home to yourself, knowing that it is the one place that is truly peaceful is what true happiness is. We know through experience that whilst having nice things, exciting adventures, and being with interesting people are all great pleasures they are only temporary. We grow bored, we see their flaws and then those very pleasures can become burdens. However, when we have worked on our inner world, nothing outside can disturb us too much and to me that is the point of life, to become still inside no matter what is happening outside. Then we can enjoy pleasures while we have them and equally, we can be happy without them. To be able to work on our inner self often requires us to spend time alone. This being alone is often mistaken for loneliness, hence lesson four.

Lesson Four: Being alone and loneliness are not the same:

After my divorce I battled with this notion that to be happy you have to be in a relationship, not because of my needs but because society tends to portray being in a relationship as the ultimate life achievement. But after thirty years of marriage, I’m not convinced that true happiness is bound to one relationship. Even as a child I was comfortable alone, in fact, I’d probably say I’ve always been my own best friend. Perhaps that’s why being alone to me is not the same as being lonely.

As Buddhists, we learn to live our life “on retreat” which means living in relative silence and stillness, whilst being present with the mundane and uncomfortable. And as Buddhists, we learn to be open to people coming in and out of our lives, as we know nothing is permanent. Therefore, all relationships require an element of non-attachment. We value people without the need to grasp onto them to fill a void that we know we must fill ourselves.

Perhaps our relationships have been challenged this year?

Lesson Five: Detox your mind

There is a lot of noise, negativity, and unnecessary distraction in modern society. We are constantly bombarded by negativity which only adds to the stress and anxiety in our lives. At the moment there are so many conflicting stories it can be difficult, to tell the truth from the lies. It can be overwhelming taking it all in, so perhaps we could do ourselves a favour and take a bit of time out. Detox your mind, and switch off all the noise. Take a long bath, have a great conversation with a loved one, or just go for a walk. Take care of yourself for a while, the world will still be there when you get back.